grass

I am just looking for a connection. For a way to feel like I have shared something - a moment, a feeling, an experience. I miss that feeling.

Grass is always greener in every pasture but the one you are standing in. Maybe that is because we keep walking in circles looking for the gate and pacing because we feel trapped until we've worn our own grass down until nothing remains but dirt and mud. I think maybe I just want to live where there are no fences, that way you are on neither this side, nor that one. Maybe then I can stop pacing.

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Cynical

The Matrix is a fairy tale. Maybe we aren't really living the life we think we may be. Perhaps we are all in a safe little bubble, secure, and these patterns of life that we believe to be real are simply dreams. Free will perhaps gone, but taken with it is the decisions that lead us to where we find ourselves.

cynical tonight.

Pessimistic perhaps and persistently patient that paradise performs nightly in the presence of my mind.

Old Blog postings...

Life never lives up to our expectations, does it? And I've always heard that life is what you make of it. I get that, I really do. Then someone sent me a quote yesterday, in an (appreciated) attempt at cheering me up - Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you already have. So now here I sit, pondering that. Isn't that settling? Should we really settle? Why shouldn't we go out there and really fight for what it is that we desire, to break all of the rules and do anything necessary to attain our wishing star?

Here's a For Instance - someone has a great, enjoyable career that pays well, has good benefits, and is doing something where they are 'making a difference.' But they've always dreamed of being a photographer for a wildlife magazine. If they see that opportunity arise, why shouldn’t' they go for it? As long as all financial barriers are covered in the meantime, drop what you are doing, and chase your dream. Take every picture you can, until your shutter finger is worn and calloused. You may ultimately lose the cushy, comfortable job, yes. But wouldn't you have always wondered what your lens would show? You never know unless you try, right?

I think we all should give it all up for every turn at fate. If you settle, you are surrendering. Waving that white flag and saying "nah, it's okay, I'm here, I'm fed and clean as a prisoner and out of danger of being taken hostage by the next troop that comes along, so I'll stay right here." Well what if the war is over just beyond the next hill? What if you can keep running, never looking back and make that climb? You'd see that peace you'd knew could be discovered somewhere if you look in the right spot - at just the right time.

Explanations

I found an old blog (myspace) today. Well, I didn't really find it, I was reminded of it. (Thanks! ;) ) I had quite a few entries in there that now are a delight to read. Thoughts, rambles, unfinished stories. Some of these going back so long ago, to a different life. I might share a couple here.. although they will seem outdated now. But still worth preserving.

I imagine that my myspace page will be gone soon, I couldn't even remember the password to get to the blog. So expect a few updates that may seem strange.

resting

The house is finally quiet. I am alone in my room, and the windows are open, letting in the symphony of night things and air entwined. The fan captures their melody and sprays it over my sweat soaked skin, bringing my nipples to attention. In the distance, yard dogs gossip with one another about their day, not close enough to cause an annoyance. Evening has brought with it a calm. The myriad of problems that swallowed my day have melted, so that not a trace remains. At this exact moment, as the curtains lift themselves in dance away from the night, I find that I cannot recall any singular stressing factor from my life.

Indeed, there is no offense lurking in the closet, no deadline rushing at me headfirst, and no petulant children beckoning me to their side. This moment is perfect. The intersection of complete contentment and physical comfort, where nothing more than this is needed or yearned for. No meditative guides, no soothing sounds seeping through speakers.

A train whistle bellows and is echoed. The hum of the discs massaging the tracks moans like a lullaby to my soul, and I close my eyes and rest.

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