Here's a bullet, and here's my gun.

I can't help but play Russian Roulette with you.

You know my triggers

I trust you to not pull the right one.

Sigh

Put your lips close to mine

As long as they don't touch

Out of focus, eye to eye

Till the gravity's too much

And I'll do anything you say

If you say it with your hands

And I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand

This slope is treacherous

This path is reckless

This slope is treacherous

And I like it.

I can't decide if it's a choice

Getting swept away

I hear the sound of my own voice

Asking you to stay

And all we are is skin and bone trained to get along

Forever going with the flow, but you're friction

This slope is treacherous

This path is reckless

This slope is treacherous

And I like it

Two headlights shine through the sleepless night

And I will get you and get you alone

Your name has echoed through my mind

And I just think you should know

That nothing safe is worth the drive 

and I will follow you home

This hope is treacherous

This daydream is dangerous

This hope is treacherous

Two headlights shine through the sleepless night

And I will get you, get you alone

Your name has echoed through my mind

And I just think you should, think you should know

That nothing safe is worth the drive 

and I will follow you home

This slope is treacherous

 I like it

deep shit

Sinking deep
down
trapped, and no matter how much I
struggle. Only further into the mess
I know I myself have created.

But the warmth, it calls to me.
envelopes me and wraps me in
a cocoon of promises.

I know, when I can still think
I can tell
I'm not going anywhere. Just sinking.
but the warmth
and support
and comfort -
although false -
feel so very good.

temporary at best
a mess for certain

Yet here I am.

Cowardly Lion

What if the cowardly lion had been a zombie cowardly lion, and he had to eat the brains and hearts of men to survive? A brave lion would simply rip the hearts and brains right out of men: the munchkins, the hunters and lumberjacks of Oz.  The Lollipop Guild would have been devoured before the beginning notes of their second chorus.  But a cowardly lion, he'd have to do things a little differently.  He wouldn't have the fortitude to take the life of men. He'd be forced to forage for alternatives, to seek out the next best thing - the local mutants. Not quite men, certainly, and not yet falling into any other category either.  The Lion would binge on bits and pieces of these mutant-men, leaving their remaining organs left behind in the carcass.
Perhaps, namely, the heart of one and the brain of another?

Anal?

No No NO People. Not THAT kind of anal.

OCD, perfectionism, etc. You know, anal.

So, sometimes I'm anal about stuff. Is that so bad? Everything has a place, and everything should be in it's place. Organization is never bad, right?

Of course, being so requires, especially with three children to mess things up, time to care for the order of things. Replace items where they go, ensure things are left as they should be. If you take something out of its spot, just put it back when you are done with it. This shouldn't be difficult, right?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not the kind of mom that won't let her kids have fun and enjoy childhood for the sake of cleanliness. Fun and silliness comes first, but afterwards order should be returned. Wow. That statement alone sounds like it should come from a drill sergeant.

My children know this about me, I've always been this way. Somehow, however, my 14 yr old has decided to rebel against this part of our household rules and regulations.  I cannot for the life of me get her to keep her room clean.  Punishment doesn't work. Taking away things from her - i.e. cell phone, laptop - doesn't seem to work. The only way the girl's room ever gets cleaned is when I do it myself. Clothes sit in the laundry basket until I have to scream at her to take care of them, belts and shoes and socks and whatever else she might remove scattered on her dresser, her bed, her floor, sometimes even the bathroom floor.  Trash never gets taken out of her room, and she won't even place it in the small trash can she has in there. I don't know what to do to make her understand how completely crazy this makes me.

Then my mother comes along, and laughs, and tells her: "You know, your mother never would clean her room when she was your age either."

Thanks, Mom.

Pendulum

I just finished crying my eyes out. Feels refreshing.  My life has felt like a major cluster fuck lately and I think maybe I just needed to get out some frustration. Car accident, holidays, money issues, job issues, home issues... and today I added to all of that with a new car. and a new hefty car payment. Its a nice car, I love it.. but probably should have settled for something a little more inside my price range rather than hovering just this side of sleeping-on-the-streets broke. But.. it definitely has the room we need, and the safety ratings and warranty that I demanded. I'm very happy with it.

Yeah, I'm screwed. 

Passive Aggressive

Up and Down
Back and Forth
Here and There
No fucking where.

What's wrong with me, you ask?
What's wrong with you, I reply.

You know me. I've not changed.
Perhaps you should look backwards
Or maybe that's the problem.
Forward may be the direction for you
Momentum carrying you on continuously
whilst you long to go backwards

The top of the hourglass is busted
It can't be flipped over
sand only moves in one direction

Grieve and move on
Or rather
Accept the changes
Embrace them and shift with time

Nothing is wrong with me.
What about you?

Cleaning out

This time of year always kicks my OCD into overdrive. I suppose it may be trying to find a place for all of the new crap the kids get.  Old clothes need to be sorted through to make way for the new clothes. Old toys picked over for the new. etc. You get my point.

So why is it that I don't take time off this time of year to actually accomplish some of this? I can't wait for spring to do spring cleaning, I need New Years cleaning. I need to dispose of crap that has been building up, throw away clothes I've never worn, find new homes for stuffed animals that remain unloved.

Do you want anything of mine? I'd be glad to donate...

Then maybe I'll get a toothbrush to start cleaning the grout.
OCD indeed.

Play?

The problem with games is someone always loses. Monopoly is fine, it's not real money. After basketball, you all clap each other on the back and practice harder for the next time. The real games aren't always so friendly when they come to an end.

Foolishness

these words are my own
having fought their way up
past the forced laughter
the fake smiles
the assurances of ease and peace
like the bubbles of champagne left untoasted
grown warm in the evening's sun

Complete

Does such a thing truly exist? To be complete in the truest sense, to have not the room for fulfillment more in any capacity?

the edges of the circle are left uncolored

never perfect

my cup has room for one more drop, maybe 2

a word to be added here, perhaps there

a picture left to be hung

hands to hold

hugs to be given

wishes to be shared

money to be spent

There is always something left. Words to be said, tears to be cried. Nothing is ever complete.

Shouldn't the understanding of this fact allow for contentment in the unfinished? to know and believe that everything is changing and growing in a constant state of modification, nothing is the same as it was merely moments ago.

Older

wiser

fatter

thinner

more

less

changed

Find relief in the knowledge: it can always get better or be better or different, because it is always changing. There is no need to long for anything, because even once acquired, it will all, in a matter of time,

CHANGE.

I wonder do you think of me the way I think of you
Do you have the dreams at night that I sometimes do
Do you wish for different lives with dreams as far as me
Are you scared when others look that they will also see

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what I want

A lover
A confidant
A travel agent
A friend
A diary, to whom I can entrust all of my secrets
A comedian
A storyteller
A chef
A maid
A carpenter
A free spirit
An intellectual
A writer

All wrapped up in one

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It's strange, the noise the whole world makes as it crashes down around you. It's not as loud as I thought it would be. Sounds like an ocean flowing in and out, gently beating against the rocks.

Changing

I am changing.

Who I am and what I

think

feel

do

The way I act

the way I breathe

Feels as though something is shifting

My very DNA

It is you.

You do this to me.

Question is - Is this a welcome change or something I want to struggle against?

Routine of things

I am feeling very down lately. I wasn't quite sure what exactly was bringing it on, but I think I've figured it out. I thrive on routine. On having a systematic balance to what is done, how it is done, and when (especially when ) it is done each day. Our family recently has been turned on it's metaphoric head when it comes to routines. Changes in schedules, classes; ending sports seasons; it all just feels wacky lately. I have to refind that groove that lets me feel like I am accomplishing the things that need to be done and when they need to be done. I feel like I am a better parent when things are organized, even my time.

Laundry on a certain night. Homework at a certain time. Dinner dishes pet care etc.

I need to find my groove.

grass

I am just looking for a connection. For a way to feel like I have shared something - a moment, a feeling, an experience. I miss that feeling.

Grass is always greener in every pasture but the one you are standing in. Maybe that is because we keep walking in circles looking for the gate and pacing because we feel trapped until we've worn our own grass down until nothing remains but dirt and mud. I think maybe I just want to live where there are no fences, that way you are on neither this side, nor that one. Maybe then I can stop pacing.

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Cynical

The Matrix is a fairy tale. Maybe we aren't really living the life we think we may be. Perhaps we are all in a safe little bubble, secure, and these patterns of life that we believe to be real are simply dreams. Free will perhaps gone, but taken with it is the decisions that lead us to where we find ourselves.

cynical tonight.

Pessimistic perhaps and persistently patient that paradise performs nightly in the presence of my mind.

Old Blog postings...

Life never lives up to our expectations, does it? And I've always heard that life is what you make of it. I get that, I really do. Then someone sent me a quote yesterday, in an (appreciated) attempt at cheering me up - Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you already have. So now here I sit, pondering that. Isn't that settling? Should we really settle? Why shouldn't we go out there and really fight for what it is that we desire, to break all of the rules and do anything necessary to attain our wishing star?

Here's a For Instance - someone has a great, enjoyable career that pays well, has good benefits, and is doing something where they are 'making a difference.' But they've always dreamed of being a photographer for a wildlife magazine. If they see that opportunity arise, why shouldn’t' they go for it? As long as all financial barriers are covered in the meantime, drop what you are doing, and chase your dream. Take every picture you can, until your shutter finger is worn and calloused. You may ultimately lose the cushy, comfortable job, yes. But wouldn't you have always wondered what your lens would show? You never know unless you try, right?

I think we all should give it all up for every turn at fate. If you settle, you are surrendering. Waving that white flag and saying "nah, it's okay, I'm here, I'm fed and clean as a prisoner and out of danger of being taken hostage by the next troop that comes along, so I'll stay right here." Well what if the war is over just beyond the next hill? What if you can keep running, never looking back and make that climb? You'd see that peace you'd knew could be discovered somewhere if you look in the right spot - at just the right time.

Explanations

I found an old blog (myspace) today. Well, I didn't really find it, I was reminded of it. (Thanks! ;) ) I had quite a few entries in there that now are a delight to read. Thoughts, rambles, unfinished stories. Some of these going back so long ago, to a different life. I might share a couple here.. although they will seem outdated now. But still worth preserving.

I imagine that my myspace page will be gone soon, I couldn't even remember the password to get to the blog. So expect a few updates that may seem strange.