Anal?

No No NO People. Not THAT kind of anal.

OCD, perfectionism, etc. You know, anal.

So, sometimes I'm anal about stuff. Is that so bad? Everything has a place, and everything should be in it's place. Organization is never bad, right?

Of course, being so requires, especially with three children to mess things up, time to care for the order of things. Replace items where they go, ensure things are left as they should be. If you take something out of its spot, just put it back when you are done with it. This shouldn't be difficult, right?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not the kind of mom that won't let her kids have fun and enjoy childhood for the sake of cleanliness. Fun and silliness comes first, but afterwards order should be returned. Wow. That statement alone sounds like it should come from a drill sergeant.

My children know this about me, I've always been this way. Somehow, however, my 14 yr old has decided to rebel against this part of our household rules and regulations.  I cannot for the life of me get her to keep her room clean.  Punishment doesn't work. Taking away things from her - i.e. cell phone, laptop - doesn't seem to work. The only way the girl's room ever gets cleaned is when I do it myself. Clothes sit in the laundry basket until I have to scream at her to take care of them, belts and shoes and socks and whatever else she might remove scattered on her dresser, her bed, her floor, sometimes even the bathroom floor.  Trash never gets taken out of her room, and she won't even place it in the small trash can she has in there. I don't know what to do to make her understand how completely crazy this makes me.

Then my mother comes along, and laughs, and tells her: "You know, your mother never would clean her room when she was your age either."

Thanks, Mom.

Pendulum

I just finished crying my eyes out. Feels refreshing.  My life has felt like a major cluster fuck lately and I think maybe I just needed to get out some frustration. Car accident, holidays, money issues, job issues, home issues... and today I added to all of that with a new car. and a new hefty car payment. Its a nice car, I love it.. but probably should have settled for something a little more inside my price range rather than hovering just this side of sleeping-on-the-streets broke. But.. it definitely has the room we need, and the safety ratings and warranty that I demanded. I'm very happy with it.

Yeah, I'm screwed. 

Passive Aggressive

Up and Down
Back and Forth
Here and There
No fucking where.

What's wrong with me, you ask?
What's wrong with you, I reply.

You know me. I've not changed.
Perhaps you should look backwards
Or maybe that's the problem.
Forward may be the direction for you
Momentum carrying you on continuously
whilst you long to go backwards

The top of the hourglass is busted
It can't be flipped over
sand only moves in one direction

Grieve and move on
Or rather
Accept the changes
Embrace them and shift with time

Nothing is wrong with me.
What about you?

Cleaning out

This time of year always kicks my OCD into overdrive. I suppose it may be trying to find a place for all of the new crap the kids get.  Old clothes need to be sorted through to make way for the new clothes. Old toys picked over for the new. etc. You get my point.

So why is it that I don't take time off this time of year to actually accomplish some of this? I can't wait for spring to do spring cleaning, I need New Years cleaning. I need to dispose of crap that has been building up, throw away clothes I've never worn, find new homes for stuffed animals that remain unloved.

Do you want anything of mine? I'd be glad to donate...

Then maybe I'll get a toothbrush to start cleaning the grout.
OCD indeed.

Play?

The problem with games is someone always loses. Monopoly is fine, it's not real money. After basketball, you all clap each other on the back and practice harder for the next time. The real games aren't always so friendly when they come to an end.

Foolishness

these words are my own
having fought their way up
past the forced laughter
the fake smiles
the assurances of ease and peace
like the bubbles of champagne left untoasted
grown warm in the evening's sun

Complete

Does such a thing truly exist? To be complete in the truest sense, to have not the room for fulfillment more in any capacity?

the edges of the circle are left uncolored

never perfect

my cup has room for one more drop, maybe 2

a word to be added here, perhaps there

a picture left to be hung

hands to hold

hugs to be given

wishes to be shared

money to be spent

There is always something left. Words to be said, tears to be cried. Nothing is ever complete.

Shouldn't the understanding of this fact allow for contentment in the unfinished? to know and believe that everything is changing and growing in a constant state of modification, nothing is the same as it was merely moments ago.

Older

wiser

fatter

thinner

more

less

changed

Find relief in the knowledge: it can always get better or be better or different, because it is always changing. There is no need to long for anything, because even once acquired, it will all, in a matter of time,

CHANGE.